Tainted
by starshards
Summary: Spoilers for Tokyo Arc After being apart for three years, Kamui finally has Subaru back by his side where he rightfully belongs. However, amidst the relief, there's something Kamui doesn't want to address. Something's not quite right.


My veeeeeeeery first step into this territory. I've probably made a hash of it, and since we know pretty much… nothing about TRC's Kamui and Subaru, I've had to make up stuff. Plus, I'm going on a scanlation group on the three years thing.

* * *

Another night without sleep.

Kamui was used to those. Curled up besides the still and lifeless form of his other half, he had only managed to grab brief snatches of sleep when sheer exhaustion overwhelmed both the hope that Subaru would awaken, and the throbbing, constant pain that came from their shattered link. Days drew to weeks, and weeks to months and finally months to years. _Years_, living as a boy with only half a soul.

Only… things were different now. Subaru had returned to him. He slept, but he was no longer lifeless, for he was not still for long before he would shift, or sigh.

Over the past three years, he had pictured their reunion countless times. Sometimes Subaru would wake up and hold his arms open to bring Kamui close. Other times, within his dream world they would clasp their hands together and stare into each other's eyes. In his fantasies, Kamui would laugh, and cry and smile. He would feel _complete_ again.

It hadn't quite happened like that. It hadn't happened like in _any_ of the numerous situations that Kamui had dreamed up when he was hallucinating from lack of food and rest, but still vigilant at Subaru's side, vacant stare boring into faintly glowing water.

There had been no ray of light. Nor had there been whispered words of comfort, or numerous 'I missed you'. It hadn't even been Kamui who had awoken the one that he cherished above all others, and that, was probably the point where it had all gone so wrong.

Of course, his heart had surged with joy at the sight of those familiar, beloved emerald eyes, but it had been _her_ who had managed to do what he could not. She had reached Subaru, Kamui's _twin_ and _other half_, when he had been unable to. Though he was more grateful towards Sakura than he could have ever expressed, he also felt strangely robbed.

It was illogical, childish, and stupid…

…And so totally like him. After all, he'd always been the more sullen of the two. For every one of Subaru's sweet smiles, Kamui had a scowl to counter it. Where Subaru was mellow, Kamui was brooding. When people would crowd around Subaru, poking and prodding and patting the bright, young boy, Kamui would lurk around behind him, threatening people away with watchful, violet eyes.

He hated that about himself. He was the epitome of self-centredness.

Because that's what it was, he reasoned as he sat staring at the wall. He was resenting the kindest girl he'd ever met for… delivering his brother back to him. Resenting, when he _should_ have been rejoicing. Resenting where he _should_ have been sleeping soundly and happily with one arm slung around the sleeping form next to him. Resenting when he had the very thing he had wanted every moment of every day, for the past three years safe, and warm, and _content_ next to him.

How hideously selfish; Kamui had his other half back and yet, he was lamenting over the thought that hurt and confused him the most.

_Why hadn't it been_ him?

It should have been him. It had been his _right_ to be the one to awaken the boy he had guarded for all of those long, lonely days. It had been his right… but despite his deepest wishes,_he_ hadn't had the power to wake Subaru up.

Kamui sighed softly and glanced at his sleeping twin. He knew then, that that was the root of his worries. The heart of the fear that crawled over his skin and clogged his throat.

There was something wrong. He didn't want to address it, but there was something very, very wrong. They had been inseparable from birth, they had fixed any problems the other had had, they had travelled worlds, hunted, fought and fled side by side, and no matter what, they were always, always _together_. They were never Kamui or Subaru, but Kamui _and_ Subaru. They were each other's shadow. They were '_us'_ and '_we'_, never '_I_'' or '_me_'.

They were the twins who were never supposed to be apart, and their bond was unmatched by any other.

Had been, he corrected himself with a bitter scowl. Their bond _had been_ unmatched, and now it was… wrong. It didn't feel right any more and that terrified him.

Perhaps it had been their time apart. After all, while Kamui had suffered through three, long years feeling torn apart, to Subaru it was nothing more than the blink of an eye. He had missed Subaru so much that it had often left him feeling physically sick, but Subaru hadn't missed him at all. He'd never know those terrifying feelings of loss and desperation, and for that Kamui was extremely grateful, but… for the first time in their lives, Subaru didn't understand.

And in some ways, that was scarier than facing another day without Subaru, because at least then, he could remain ignorant. He could pretend that their bond was still perfect and beautiful, and not polluted and tainted,

Kamui rubbed at his tired eyes and peered into the gloom, cat-slit eyes easily adjusting to the lack of light in the room.

The uproar of the previous couple of days had been and gone, and the stillness that it had left behind seemed like a vacuum. For the first time since Subaru had awoken, Kamui had the opportunity to be alone with him, but rather than offering the magical solution that he had been hoping for, the silence had only served to highlight his feeling of loss.

At that thought, without thinking he reached out, seeking the comforting thrum of their shared link. All he found was silence, dead and vacant, reverberating off the walls and crushing in on him. It left him- Kamui the greatest warrior on hundreds of worlds and in hundreds of realities- feeling small, and fragile and utterly useless.

_Why hadn't it been _him?

_Why?_

They were as close as two separate beings could possibly be, separated only by skin, but still he had _failed_ Subaru. He hadn't been able to reach him, he hadn't been able to wake him, or even be the first person that he saw upon opening those green eyes that Kamui loved so much. Was he even still worthy to call himself Subaru's twin?

Or perhaps, the universe was telling him that Subaru deserved better. The thought made his heart feel as heavy as a rock as he slid his body back into a laying position and turned his eyes to the ceiling.

Today, as soon as Syaoran and his friends had left, the distance between them had been more than apparent. From before he could remember, Kamui would reach for Subaru's hand in quiet moments. It allowed him to feed off their bond, savour in their connection and soothe any and all of his worries.

Whenever he would seek Subaru's hand, Subaru would always be mirroring the movement, meeting him half way. It was utterly subconscious, which was why, as they watched their new friends vanish into the next step on their journey, he was suddenly aware of the fact that he was reaching out, and even _more_ aware that there was no hand in his. At the cold ripple of dread, he had jerked his hand back and ignored Subaru's inquisitive glance. They had barely spoken to one another for the rest of the day.

And so, it was going to be yet another night without sleep. Kamui couldn't see any improvement upon that in the future. He was sick with worry and his head ached. Subaru always fixed his problems and made him feel better, but it seemed that he was doomed to face the issue exactly how he had been forced to for the past few years- alone.

He closed his eyes, seeking some form of solace in the exhaustion bought upon him as the excitement of the past couple of days finally drained from his overly exerted body. However, it was only a matter of a few minutes before a soft touch upon his cheek startled him into awareness.

Green was the first sight that greeted him.

Kamui had always loved Subaru's eyes. They were so much more magnificent than his own, dull violet ones. They were bright with some sort of inner life and he couldn't help but associate them with new spring. Such a glorious, glimmering emerald, which made Kamui hate his own and wonder why he too had not inherited such beautiful eyes. He pitied Subaru for having to witness hideous amethyst, rather than the joy of green.

Subaru was smiling at him, and Kamui almost blushed for his wandering thoughts. Subaru's smile widened fractionally into that small, but genuinely fond smile that he only ever directed at his twin. "I love your eyes." Kamui blinked in confusion at the soft voice, distinctly not his own. Subaru cocked his head to the side a little. "I was just thinking, since I…" Something flickered in Subaru's eyes, but before Kamui had a chance to distinguish what it was, Subaru had continued. "Since I woke up, I've not really had a chance to see your eyes. I don't know why, but they make me feel calm." The fingers on his cheek moved to trace softly against one of his cheekbones, more prominent than ever before from stress and lack of proper nutrition. "We're the same in almost every way and I forget that we're different people sometimes. Your eyes help me to remember that. They're the most beautiful colour in all of the worlds we've been too, and if I'm honest I'm jealous because mine are so boring in comparison."

"Subaru, what…?" Kamui whispered, utterly confused.

"I couldn't sleep," Subaru stated, as if that explained everything.

"Really?" Kamui said, voice still soft.

Subaru nodded. "You were too worried to notice."

Kamui looked away, feeling guilty. "Oh."

Subaru didn't respond, and Kamui continued to look away, growing guiltier still when Subaru's hand fell away from his face and his twin sighed heavily. He couldn't tell Subaru, he reminded himself. He was being silly and illogical and would cause Subaru unnecessary stress. Besides, it wasn't Subaru's fault that Kamui needed _him_ more than _he_ needed Kamui.

He scrunched his eyes shut and rolled over, turning his back to Subaru, utterly despising how awkward the atmosphere felt.

"I couldn't have done it."

Subaru spoke lowly and Kamui opened his eyes once more, though he did not move to face the other. Taking the silence as a sign that his twin was listening, Subaru continued. "I couldn't have coped without you, Kamui. Three years, I…" Subaru broke off to swallow. "I'm scared, Kamui." The words were spoken softly, but he caught the tremor in his brother's voice. Very slowly, he rolled onto his back and looked up at the other boy. Subaru continued to stare at the wall and briefly, Kamui pitied it for having to bear the weight of not one, but two troubled boys' worried stares. "I couldn't last a day without you," Subaru admitted finally.

Kamui shifted, staring up at his twin in surprise. "Subaru?"

Subaru continued to stare. "It's true… I couldn't."

"That's…" Kamui cleared his throat when he found that his mouth was dry. "You could. You'd do fine, you're so much calmer than me, and cleverer too."

"What?" Subaru turned to stare at him in surprise. "Kamui… I'm only like that because you make me feel safe." He paused for a long moment. "Remember when we were little, and mother forced you to go on that trip with the Hunt Master?"

He nodded slowly. He did indeed remember that. In an effort to curb some of Kamui's surly attitude, their mother had sent him off on a trip with the best hunter in their town, in hopes that Kamui would find some sort of interest or way to calm himself down. The only thing that _had_ happened was that his bad temper had been out of control without Subaru, and he had driven the hunter and his group to distraction. The trip had lasted all of three days.

Subaru mirrored Kamui's faint smirk at the memory, before he turned serious once more. "You were gone three days, but it hit me so hard. I think I panicked. The first night I was physically sick, and the day after I was nervous and I couldn't stop fidgeting. I was a wreck without you after a single day, but you managed to last three years."

Kamui blinked. "That's different. We were children," He stated.

Subaru shook his head. "Do you honestly think that it's different? You were my life then, and you're my life now."

"Subaru…" Kamui said softly.

"I hate this," Subaru interrupted, looking away from Kamui's questioning stare. "I hate that I haven't been there for you. Three years! The thought makes me feel ill, and I know it's selfish of me but… I can't help but think that maybe you don't need me like I need you, any more. You've learned to cope without me and I know that you had to, but I hate it. I can't stand that I've been sleeping while you've been living on, being sad and happy and lonely and… everything else… without me…" He trailed off once more and looked ashamed. "I'm sorry."

Kamui was silent as he processed his brother's words. "Subaru," he said finally, "I was never happy." Subaru refused to look at him still, and so Kamui took a deep breath before carrying on. "I only coped because you were still alive. I only kept going because I knew that someday you'd wake up." He sat up slowly and bought his knees to his chest. "Every day was the same as the last. I…" Kamui fell silent. He had never been good with words, he had never really _had_ to be, and so he was just working himself up into a flustered state.

"Kamui, I'm as frightened about this as you are but you have to know… I can still feel you." Subaru whispered.

"What?" Kamui responded, surprised.

Very slowly, Subaru turned back to face his twin. "Our link, our bond, it feels a little strange, but it's still there. I can feel how worried you are, which is why I couldn't sleep. I'm worried too, but I _know_ that it's still there; you just have to stop worrying that it's not." He shook his head and placed a hand over his heart. "It's_me_, Kamui. I'm right here, so stop hiding." At those words, _that_ smile surfaced again. That tiny one reserved only for Kamui, when those beautiful green eyes would almost glow with some sort of soft, comforting, inner light.

"Subaru, I…" Kamui's head dropped. Maybe things _would_ be okay. Maybe. _Maybe_.

As if sensing his brother's hesitance, Subaru continued. "Do you love me any less than you did before?"

Kamui's head jerked back up to stare at Subaru in mild horror. "Of course not!"

"Well then," Subaru smiled and Kamui jumped suddenly in surprise at the sudden warmth around his fingers. Glancing down in surprise, he found that precisely halfway between them their hands laid, clasped together upon the bed covers.

He looked back up and offered Subaru the faintest smile, before he reached out with his other hand and pulled Subaru back to lie down, moving with him to curl up against his side. Subaru tightened his grip upon his twin's hand when Kamui buried his face into his neck.

Feeling his shoulders sag as stress gradually seeped out of him, Kamui kissed Subaru's shoulder. It was nothing more than a brushing of lips that Subaru barely even felt but smiled at nonetheless. Kamui closed his eyes and allowed a single thought to reach out to Subaru.

_I missed you_.

Somewhere within him, he thought he felt something stir- the tiniest thrum that could easily have been wishful thinking, but to him, he was sure he felt a response.

_I know_.

* * *

They were known as the twins who should never be apart, and if _they_ had _their_ way, _they_ would ensure that it would stay that way.

* * *

Just edited a little bit.

I'm not saying that I'm any good, but check out my KamSub art, since I'm one of few people actually doing it. 8D http://shinigamitenshi. 


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